So I’m not even going to pretend like this wasn’t inspired by Rembert Browne’s 500 Days Asunder.
I’m also not going to pretend that this isn’t another attempt to avoid finishing my coursework for undergrad.
Because it totally is.
Because I am quite good at avoiding things, especially if those things mean materializing potential or risking failure. And also because self-sabotage is something I would put on my resume if a resume wasn’t about skills I could capitalize on.
There’s this skill called “radical acceptance” that I’m learning about in therapy, and it’s a skill used to move past very, very bad things that happen to you, usually to remember that to “accept” something doesn’t mean that it was okay and that it is okay to let it go.
I have a hard time with it. Not because I don’t believe in it but because I’m lucky not to have had very, very bad things happen to me that I need to struggle to accept.
But that’s not to say that there aren’t things I need to accept, especially when it comes to myself. Especially when it comes to mistakes. I’ve done a very good job thus far in cushioning my life to prevent certain “bad things” from happening that I would need to accept ie. making mistakes, making room for failure.
But some other things I’m working to accept are:
being four papers and one semester’s tuition pay away from getting my diploma
using four papers as an excuse to not bother applying to graduate schools
if there’s anyone/anything I’m intimate with right now, it’s failure
that people who have hurt me in seemingly irreparable ways continue to walk this earth and are learning how to love and care in healthy ways (and putting those lessons into practice with different people)
that I have hurt people in ways that were enough reason to leave
that I really like talking about lots of things, but have a hard time articulating what those things are
that, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s writing
And so that’s what this blog business is about. Because accepting the idea of being a good writer means, well, writing. I thought of using a journal but it’s only proven to work when I’m hospitalized (joke langsort of), and making this sort of public promise to write every day is stronger motivation than simply promising to myself, in quiet, in my own notebook.
One day I’ll get to the point where I can keep promises in solitude, to my notebook, but I’m not there yet.
So, one post. Every day. Until I submit my last application to graduate school for the following year. January 7th, 2018.