Okay if there’s anything that BPD makes you good at, it’s feeling.
I know how to feel very, very, very well. And seeing the shitstorm that has been Trump’s first few days of office has certainly been a test on not only on how well I can feel but also on what point I will let my feelings debilitate me.
And reading and watching and hearing about how this grimy little rancid orange peel is essentially killing people, displacing people, jeopardizing people’s lives throughout the world and here in the U.S. with a SIGNATURE has made me realize one thing:
I need to cut the shit. Like, stat.
The past few weeks I’ve been really fucking afraid of doing the work. It has been petrifying. I am so afraid of fucking up. I am so afraid of doing a bad job. These past few weeks have been a constant battle with my insecurities with subjective feelings and liberalisms that make it tempting to run and hide or to simply step the fuck back.
But I need to cut the shit.
Because this is what capitalism wants. Those in power want us to be fucking scared. They want us to run and hide. They want us to simply step the fuck back as they further debilitate and destroy people’s lives to protect themselves from an economic mess that is no one’s fault but their own. They want us to think that we can’t fight back because neoliberalism makes it seem like this all begins and ends with our individual selves when the reality is: we are not alone. This fight is ours. It has always been ours.
We, the people, have the solutions. And it’s through collective struggle and power that we will find them.
I am here for a reason. I am in this movement for a reason. And if, right now, I can’t trust myself, I can at least trust in my kasamas and comrades who trust in me to do this work with them.
I am scared shitless. I am fucking terrified. I am confused. I am angry. I am in mourning. I am out of my goddamn mind.
And the more confused, the more out of sorts, I feel, the more I’m beginning to realize that this is my heart telling me to stay disciplined. To stay on course. To move forward, to continue being resolute in our work.
And so whenever these strong, overwhelming feelings of rage, confusion, fear, sadness come to you, do not feel defeated. Do not close in on yourself. Listen. Because these feeling are not messages of defeat but are instead calls to action.
There is no right way to feel, but there is a right course of action.
We have a long road ahead of us. So let’s go to work.